Ignorance is Bliss
I’ve spent the past couple of years dealing quite well with a steady level of exhaustion.
When I was pregnant, people would tell me the ever-famous, “Sleep now, because soon you won’t be able to!” This is bullshit for so many reasons, and raise your hands if you’re with me, anyone-who-has-ever-been-pregnant.
1. Pregnant women don’t sleep. YOU swallow a watermelon and tell me how super comfortable you are and how much you love life. Do it! Whatever, liar. It just doesn’t work that way. If you’re not trying to find a perfect/awkward spot that doesn’t leave you with massive carpal tunnel pain/cramping/OMG DON’T LAY LIKE THAT IT WILL KILL YOUR BABY, then you’re off to the bathroom every twenty minutes. So there goes your night.
2. I have a toddler who only sometimes sleeps through the night. So on the off chance that I could quell the bladder sensations long enough to get a little bit comfortable, I would hear MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY and off I would go to crawl into bed with The Tornado.
3. Besides, I’m not worried. I’m the parent of a toddler, I KNOW EXHAUSTION. Right?
I had blissfully forgotten what newborn exhaustion felt like.
Don’t get me wrong, faithful readers, Bob Marley is a dream baby. He’s adorable and snuggly and warm and makes funny grown up farts, and he even sleeps quite well considering how fresh he is to the world. And yet, I’m exhausted. Like, eyeballs feel fuzzy, my brainy no worky exhausted.
I have a theory. I don’t have any science to back this up, but science doesn’t prove anything (credit: Jesus camp)
Newborn exhaustion must be more than just sleep deprivation. I believe that newborns are little energy vampires who suck out your lifeforce. Often through your nipple. Now please don’t think that I’m being mean, I don’t believe that they are doing this for any malicious reasons. It’s just their state of being. It’s who they are. Pregnancy brain doesn’t go away, sleep doesn’t happen for any meaningful number of hours in a row, and you are slowly getting drained of nutrients, water, and will to live through your once-amazing titties.
Throw in a toddler, and it’s game over.
Consider this my PSA to you, lovely readers. Think long and hard before reproducing multiple times. It’s super eff-wording hard. That being said, I reserve the right to ammend this statement once amazing fun and tender family moments start happening, assuming I’m awake enough to appreciate them.