The Best Life: The Pregnancy Edition
I totally just took a belly picture in a bikini to post today, but then I laughed so so so hard that my eyes got all blurry and I decided I liked you all WAY too much to put you through that. You’re welcome.
So instead, I present you with the outcome of my first pregnancy.
I’m writing this morning from the comfort of my own couch. A rare, but blissful, event! I have my GLORIOUS pregnancy to thank for this, so naturally I made it the topic of today’s BEST LIFE.
I know many people who hate being pregnant. Like, seriously HATE it. They spend the whole time throwing up, or tired and cranky, or in all kinds of pain. NOT ME, kittens! I ADORE being pregnant! I’ve never thrown up from it and although I’m reaching the point now where everything on the planet is uncomfortable, it’s still completely amazing.
1. FOOD. All of it. Do you have ANY IDEA how much you can eat when you’re growing a whole new person inside you? I mean, I know you’re not technically supposed to eat everything on the planet for every meal, but people ENCOURAGE it! They WANT you to be well-fed at all times. People feel better about THEMSELVES if they can provide food for your growing fetus. Are you so selfish that you would take that joy away from them? Are you??? Because I’m totally not. So if anyone is reading,
I the baby likes baked goods a LOT.
2. Not Doing Stuff. Are you tired of doing stuff? You know, STUFF. Anything. Menial tasks that just kind of suck. Don’t like changing the litter box? Don’t want to sort through all the boxes in the basement? Tired of cleaning the bathroom? GUESS WHAT. You can’t do it anymore. It’s bad for the baby. Don’t exert yourself, expose yourself to chemicals, or in any way make yourself deliberately uncomfortable. DANGER DANGER! No one can expect you to risk the BABY! So sure, making dinner probably isn’t treacherous in any way, but should you really take that chance? Put your feet up, mama…you’re creating LIFE.
3. Sexy Times. Pregnancy sex rocks. TRUST ME. If you haven’t had it yet, go IMMEDIATELY and get knocked up and I promise, you’ll thank me.
4. Time Off. Ahhhhhhhhhhh…and this brings us to today. There are all kinds of reasons that you will find yourself with time off when you’re pregnant. Every month will have at least one day where you book a half day off for an appointment of some sort. I have this down to a science. I always book my midwife for 1:00 because they never have a back-up after lunch, and it gets me on my way as early as possible to enjoy the rest of the child-free afternoon until I pick the Toddler Tornado up from daycare. Today is a morning appointment because I have to get some blood drawn to make sure we don’t have gestational diabetes. This sucks a little bit because I’m not eating until AFTER the appointment and I’m HUNGRY (see point #1) but guess what? I’m totally going to have a Blizzard for breakfast. Because I haven’t had one yet this year and I CAN, that’s why.
But I digress. The most AMAZING time off comes post-baby. Americans, you might want to close your eyes for this one. Did you know that they give us a year off? Paid! A year! Just to hang out with our new babies!!! What could be more amazing than that?
So, dear friends, when you see me, don’t question the smile. I know I’m getting massively blimp-like. I know that giving birth doesn’t tickle. I know that I’m in for some sleepless nights. But it doesn’t matter. I’m creating life.
Now can you please pick that up for me and bring me some donuts? I’ll be on the couch. Thanks…you’re a doll!